One of the characteristics of an Enneagram 7 is that we are always on the search for joy. It’s through this joy that we are seen as the “fun number”; think The Weasley Brothers in Harry Potter who were always pranking everyone. I relate so much to this and realize this is the one defining characteristic that made me realize I was an enneagram 7 instead of an enneagram 4. From the outside, this looks like an admirable characteristic, a person who has a lot of fun and is the life of every party. The danger lies in the fact that the joy is never enough and the seeking is always present. It’s the thing that has me focused on the future and ignoring the beauty of what is happening in the now. A certain level of dissatisfaction festers underneath and can become a problem when ignored. I thought I would share a little about how this has manifested in my own life and what I do to address it.
I have always followed the trail of perceived happiness through programs of action. Once I go through this program and reach this level, THEN I will be happy. If I go to this college and get this degree, then I will be happy. If I work the 12 steps perfectly, then I will be happy. If I convert to this religion, then I will be happy. If I find a job that is fulfilling and brings me lots of money, then I will be happy. When I have this amount in my bank account, I will feel secure, and then I will be happy. Those moments never come because what I realize is that the appetite for more, especially in a 7, is insatiable and more is never enough. It explains why I was forced to get sober so young in life, there truly will never be enough to numb out the pain of dissatisfaction. And when ones core motivation is to never feel pain, the path to more is never-ending.
When I worked, before having children, I never felt satisfied in my job and I was always searching for better. When I was able to quit my job and stay at home with the kids, I was unhappy with how hard and lonely it was. I decided that I need to start my own business so that we would have more money and it hasn’t been until recently that I realized that what I want is now. It was in letting go of the idea of what happiness looks like and instead focused on the feeling of what I want to do that I realize I am already there. Dissatisfaction appears in relationships, in my clinging to them even when they are no longer there. My inability to accept the shifting of our roles as we relate to each other and my desperation for one less person to abandon me. I am unable to see those who stay, who love me even when I don’t pay attention. As I write, I realize this sounds as though I am miserable, but I’m not, it’s just a swirl of thoughts that exist in my head, always. As I move through life, doing my daily tasks, I have one of those ticker tapes running through my head, always in search of the next thing to capture my attention. (Is ticker tape the word? Like words running across the bottom of a screen while you’re watching the news? Does that make sense?). It’s not even active thinking, it’s a subtle humming of anxious thoughts of what’s going to leave and where will I feel secure next. I didn’t realize others went through this until I discovered the enneagram. I felt seen while listening to a panel of 7s talk about their fears and insecurities and grateful for those resources to help me grow.
Where have I grown in this mindset? It’s in leaning into the discomfort of fear and surrendering to the idea that I am always cared for by something greater than myself. I don’t have to cling to security in joy because I know that a higher power is there to guide me, I just have to let go. It’s in knowing that all parts of our emotional lives are important and necessary, including the parts where I hurt, including the times where I feel alone and unseen, including the times where I strive for more and nothing is there. I am grateful for the reminder that a piece of feeling joy comes when we allow the pain to exist. Ruthie Lindsay once said in a talk that joy fills up the places where pain has carved a hole. That sentence hit me in so many ways because it reminded me that I have a beautiful life filled with joy, a joy that fills those places where I’ve struggled. And though I do have lots of moments of extreme pain, those holes have been filled with so much joy and gratitude, all because I have been able to surrender to something greater than myself and trust that THAT thing loves me and wants me to be filled with joy.
