Social media gets a bad rap, but it has given me the gift of a broad community throughout the world. I have met many women photographers, and moms, and I feel lucky to have grown some of those friendships beyond the apps. In our conversations, I have noticed a common theme amongst us. The theme is that we are playing small in our lives for one reason or another. Many of us lack confidence, self love, or a feeling of worthiness. We don’t challenge the status quo because we don’t feel our voices are strong enough. We play by the rules because we want to be seen as good. I find that much of my own path towards healing includes these themes so I wanted to share some of my own discoveries in the hopes that it helps my readers give themselves permission to follow their own inner voices.

I’ll start with my own experience. I have spent much of my life following rules, worried that I am going to get “in trouble” if I make the wrong decision. After figuring out that I wasn’t going to be a dancer, I lost my direction. I wasn’t sure what was going to bring me joy. I made decisions based on what was going to bring me the most money, because I thought security would be the thing to bring me freedom and joy. I’m not going to say that I made the wrong decisions in the past because I can see where each step I took led me to where I am now. I will say that my choices may have been different had I worried less about doing the “right” thing and instead, following the things that lit me up.

A lot of my therapy has been unlearning the ways in which we are taught to be, especially as women. Most of my time in my late twenties was me fighting with my body and how it looked. When I broke away from the grip of diet culture and the wellness industry, I found I had more mental space to move beyond my physical appearance. The next lesson was about letting go of the need to prove myself to others. Some of that was through my work and my success as a working person. When I left my job to stay at home with my kids, I had to take that lesson deeper because I was still seeking my value in how good of a mother I was or how I had to earn my value through a clean house. As I have gotten older, I have continued to shed those beliefs that I need to be anything other than fulfilled. 

The practice of giving ourselves permission.

What does this look like?

For me, it’s letting go of the shoulds in our life. My shoulds were 

• you should be making this much money
• you should be this thin
• your house should be this clean
• you shouldn’t be spending that much money
• you shouldn’t buy that item with your money
• you shouldn’t be sitting and reading, but instead achieving one of your goals
• you should be monetizing your hobby because you’re not allowed to have an expensive hobby unless it’s earning money for you

There. Are. No. Rules.

Really.

I am not going to get in trouble. I am a 41 year old woman. I am not going to get in trouble. And if I am going to get in trouble with someone, I need to evaluate that someone.

What else does this look like?

It’s developing a trust with myself. When I tell others to just do what they want, the response is always “if I do what I want, I’ll just sit on the couch and eat all day.”

Ok, so do that. Seriously, give it a go. Allow yourself 30 days of doing whatever you want, if what you want to do is sit on the couch and eat chips all day, do it and see what happens. 

Play. Allow yourself to experiment and play. 

In my experience, the thing I am denying myself is that thing I will do immediately. I will do that thing until I’m tired of doing it and then you know what, I get my fill and I move on.

*When I started intuitive eating, I had to allow myself to eat whatever I wanted. I went through a 3 month period where I ate ice cream every day. I thought I would never get tired of ice cream. I was getting frustrated because I felt like all I ever wanted to eat was ice cream. And then one day, I didn’t eat ice cream. I simply didn’t want it anymore. And when I do want it, I eat it. But I rarely want it, even when the kids get it. My body knows that if I want ice cream, I will eat it, and most of the time, it doesn’t want it. 

When I let go of the shoulds and I allow myself to follow my own intuition, there is a period of testing boundaries. Just like our children test boundaries to see how far they can push us, we will do that too. You know why? Because no one wants to be confined by a set of rules. And when we start the path to healing, it’s messy and we make a lot of mistakes, but generally, we want to feel good and so we start to figure out that the things we think will make us feel good, don’t. And the things that we have pushed away out of obligation, become attractive, not because someone tells us we have to do it, but because it does actually make us feel good.

I hate routine. I hate schedules. My calendar used to be so full, I felt like I was running around from one place to the next. I hated it because I felt confined by time. Covid gave me a gift. It forced me to sit with myself for over a year and evaluate how I wanted to spend my time. I had to be cautious with how I spent my time and I found out the things that truly brought me joy. And I stopped doing the things that didn’t. 

AND

I found out that I operate better with a routine. I created one that felt good to me. I had to step away from the way it had been done and allow myself the space to evaluate. When I promise myself that I put my own joy first, the actions I take don’t feel like an obligation, they feel like a gift. Ultimately, what I am trying to say is that you will allow yourself permission to be free and in the end, you will begin to treat yourself with dignity and respect without all of the obligation. 

Have you seen Encanto?

I love this movie because Mirabel is giving us permission. Think of Abuela as the collective belief of what we should be doing. Isabela should be making perfect pink flowers. Luisa should be the strong one, protecting the family. Everyone should be using their gifts in service of others.

We found in the end that what felt like it should be the perfect thing to do was actually the thing that brought the entire house down.

We aren’t here on this planet to follow the lives of others. We are unique in our gifts and each one of us contributes to the health of the whole We contribute by following the thing that lights us up. Somewhere along the way, we thought that emulation of those who seem “successful” was how to be happy but we can’t find happiness outside of ourselves.

Our Art

I participate in a photography group where we take pictures each week for a year. We have monthly themes where we get to explore the theme creatively and share our images. One of the main questions we get asked is if something is allowed. Does ______ (insert example) count as low light?

My answer: What does it mean to you? I answer with this because I want to encourage all of us to stop asking for permission from others and instead to allow ourselves the freedom to explore and find the answer ourselves.

I want to challenge you to give yourself permission in your art. It truly doesn’t matter how you interpret a theme. There is no right or wrong answer, there is only perception. What I mean is, art is the one thing that is subjective and the person viewing the art is going to perceive it through their own life experiences. They may like it, or they may not, but their acceptance of your art has absolutely nothing to do with you. Yes, there are things that we know are aesthetically pleasing because it has been studied and broken down. Example: color theory, perspective, etc.

But the path that I am on is one that helps me connect my emotional body with my artistic expression. And when I create images that are “technically” good, they aren’t coming from an emotional place, they are coming from my brain, and to me, that feels sterile. I would rather have a messy image that speaks to my soul than a technically good image that doesn’t say anything about me as an artist.

So I take the time to study my craft, so that I can learn how to communicate effectively, but then I let go of the rules, and I speak from my soul. I have that same hope for you as well.