I admire those who seemingly create with no issues, as though their confidence flows like water. New work comes from them with such beauty and uniqueness, it feels less like a practice and more like second nature for them. I especially admire those whose work stands out amongst all of us, their style very much their own. I don’t believe that there are people who are innately talented and don’t require practice, but from the outside looking in, it can feel that way. I try not to be envious because I want to be someone who lifts others up, part of the Rising Tide, right? Rachael Rodgers says in her book that jealousy lets us know that which we want to pursue, so I use my admiration as a guide, showing me where I want to move next. There are times, though, where I wonder, why does creativity feel so hard to me?
I bought my first camera in the hopes of emulating the images I saw on Instagram. Like everyone else, I thought I just needed a nice camera and BOOM, good pictures would be had. I, of course, found out that it wasn’t so easy. I also found that I loved it anyway. I started taking classes and joining facebook groups, soaking in all of the information I could about this new craft. I tried all of the genres including food, flatlay, studio type portraits, etc. In fact, I bought a couple of speed lights and a couple of shoot through umbrellas because I wanted to take pictures like Sue Bryce and Lara Jade. I am not sure I even understand when my focus turned to documentary. I was drawn to the authenticity of the images and the study of creating images through intricate layers and composition. I also liked the fact that I only needed my camera so set up felt so much easier than schlepping around lights and light poles and umbrellas and and and.
Things changed over Covid, we can probably all say that. I got frustrated with taking pictures of the same trampoline and neon green grass every day. I started taking pictures of my kids toys laying around and that appeased me for a while, but as we started rounding out year 2, I put down my camera and didn’t pick it up again. I felt uninspired. People around me were continuing to take amazing images and I am blown away at how creative they could be in the midst of such a stagnant time. I just couldn’t be bothered. What was the thing that broke me from my period of stagnation? Ted Lasso. Ted Lasso is the ultimate hero right? Don’t even ask me why that show lit such a huge spark in me, but it did, and I went down a British rabbit hole that landed me into fine art portraiture. And I am inspired again. The moodiness of the Victorian era, the elaborate fabrics and textures have me searching for headdresses and petticoats on etsy. I started reading some classic literature and a rush of ideas come flooding to me so quickly, I have had to start carrying around my planner to keep track of them.
I am back to square one. I have so many creative ideas with absolutely no idea how to execute them and my true issue comes to the surface. I am afraid to fail. I am afraid to create bad art. I am afraid to spend time doing something and it not working out. I get caught in my head. I imagine the biggest difference between that artist who continues to create stunning pieces and me is that that artist just keeps taking action on ideas until they get it right. And I fail in my head. I saw a post from a writer on instagram that said:
Inspired to Write
There were two slides that caught my attention; one said “we keep ourselves busy so we don’t have time to create” and the other, “your perfection consumes you until you get stuck”.
It me.
I am an enneagram 7 which is headspace. That means, we do a whole lot of unproductive thinking and day dreaming, but never take action on any of it. Half of the problem is recognizing it, right? And so, my goal for 2022 is to lay aside the world that lives in my head and just take the damn picture. I want to put down the books, let go of the YouTube videos, and just take the damn picture. And make the mistake. And then take it again. And the worst case scenario is that I never make any good pictures but I still get to engage the pieces of me that need to be engaged; the process of doing something creative, the learning (which is the biggest part of why I do all of this), and taking action which shows me that I believe enough in myself to try.
Did I always live so much in my head previous to Covid? I can’t remember. I have always kept myself busy, but I am not sure I have always been busy doing things that I want to do. Maybe I kept myself doing things so that I wouldn’t have to evaluate if this is what I really want to do? My only goal for 2022 is to keep trying. No matter how poorly I do something. And no matter how rejected I feel. I want to stay in action. You are hearing it here first so if you know me well enough to send me messages, feel free to send me a little shout out saying ” have you worked towards creating that image today?”
