One thing I’ve recently rediscovered about myself is my love for music. I remember loving music so much as a kid. I was so intense about it and I would get obsessed with musicians. It was probably one of the first things that my peers used to tease me. I remember them calling me and telling me that Kurt Cobain died, thinking it was hilarious that I got upset. Looking back, I can see where it may have been odd to others, but knowing what I know about myself now and the fact that I am a 7 on the enneagram, it makes total sense. Enneagram 7s tend to have a thirst for new things, constantly seeking things to stimulate them from the boredom of each day. Music was one of the things that kept me constantly intrigued and I would spend all of my time learning the lyrics, the music, and the background of the musicians. I listened to all kinds of music including classic R&B, rap, country, and of course, the popular grunge music of the 90s. I loved Kurt Cobain and Tori Amos as well as Garth Brooks and Otis Redding. Over the years, I haven’t listened to music as much, I think because there are so many outlets to entertain us. You can watch tv, listen to podcasts, listen to books, read books, ALL. THE. THINGS. I’ve spent the latter part of my life on a tear of personal development and self help so my time to do other things has dwindled. As I always do, I’ve worn myself out from learning and have recently turned to music again. In doing so, I realized something. Music is what helps me bring my attention to my body. Another aspect of the enneagram 7 is living in one’s head, and that I do. I’m sure part of the personal development obsession comes from this comfort in my head, and I’ve learned so much. That being said, my growth space as a 7 is to become embodied. Part of the issue with my disordered eating, and another part of being an enneagram 7, is a grand desire to be anywhere but here. I don’t feel comfortable in the present moment and I don’t feel comfortable in my own body. No matter my weight, I always feel a desire to change what I look like or how I feel. That kind of explains the alcoholism too. The first part of my healing journey with food was yoga, because it is a practice that forces you into your body. And maybe that was part of the reason I loved dance as a child. It was a way for me to feel embodied without having to spend a lot of mental time there. My mind was distracted with counting and remembering the movements but my body could fully express itself. I remember when I first got sober, I realized that my dream of being a professional dancer was probably over. I was “old” for the dance world and I couldn’t see myself leaving the comfort of my recovery community for a big city like New York. I mourned the loss of dance and I couldn’t understand why. I’ve just now realized how important dance was to me and why. In fact, I’ve just now realized why music is so important to me as well. When I listen to it, I can feel the music. My friends from college used to make fun of me because I never knew what the lyrics of songs meant. It wasn’t that I didn’t know them, but with music, I don’t spend a lot of time analyzing it mentally, I just feel it. I used to think there was something wrong with that, but I realize now that’s EXACTLY what I need in my life. I’ve decided to put away all the self help stuff and to focus on being fully embodied through music, dance, art, photography, whatever I am inspired to do in that moment. It kind of feels like a homecoming to who I was. You know what the funny thing is? I used to think of my teen self as this broken person, but I realize that the more I come back to her, the more I come home to myself. I wonder why I thought there was something so wrong with her? I am guessing hormones played a role in that but I also think being so different in a world that tells you to be another way can be confusing. Now I kind of think she’s my idol.


self portrait in atlanta, ga at click away