Holy Shit.
What. A. Year.
2021 has been a transformational year. I have explored the depths of who I am as a mother, an artist, a wife, and a person on this earth. I have deeply explored belief systems and confronted the shadows of dogma in many forms. And from that, I have had to learn what it means to truly follow my own intuition. I have learned to accept people where they are, to extend grace to those in a different spot than me, and to tap into an inner knowing that feels wildly different from those around me. As the end of the year approaches, I feel the best I have felt in a long time. I feel both humbled and confident in myself and my passion for photography has been reignited. I have all kinds of ideas and plans bubbling up in my head for 2022 and I feel inspired, so, I thought I would share some of that with you.
Much of this year has been about exploring what I want to do with my photography. I have submitted images to all kinds of online galleries, I have entered contests, and I have worked on my presence on social media. I started a 365 project but lost steam, as I generally do, in the middle of the summer. I got rejected by numerous, and I mean NUMEROUS, places including the Voice Contest. And it. was. humbling. Some of the larger, international contests, I knew I would not, because so many people enter. There were a couple of very close to home places I submitted my work and I STILL didn’t get selected and though I would like to say I didn’t mind, I would be lying. I was crushed. I was surprised. And what it triggered in me was the old belief system that I wasn’t enough, that I wasn’t seen, and that people didn’t like me. Life is interesting in that it continues to give you the lesson repeatedly until you decide to pay attention and learn something from it. I spent a lot of time processing those old feelings and allowing myself to feel the disappointment of being rejected. It was a blessing because it forced me to evaluate what it is I am doing here, again. I put my camera down and allowed myself some space. I asked myself tough questions like
Am I actually any good?
Does it even matter if I am good?
Why do I want to be recognized?
Is the rejection worth the end result?
Will I still pick up my camera to create even if no one ever recognizes me?
Further more, will I still pick up my camera to create even if I am actually never any good?
What is good?
Who determines what is good?
Why am I continually striving to be recognized?
Do people that get recognition make any money?
If I actually want to make money with this, how will I do it since I don’t want to have clients for family photography?
What is the point in all of this?
As a photographer and artist, those are some core wound questions. During this time of reflection, I watched a documentary about Vivian Maier and I was blown away by the fact that she took so many beautiful images and her work was never seen while she was alive. She is a beautiful example of someone who created without the expectation of validation. She didn’t even print a lot of her work. And while I believe there may have been some unfortunate circumstances that led to her secret hobby, I am still inspired by her dedication and, I will interpret it as humility. I realize how much of my ego is wrapped up in the need to be seen and recognized. And if I am really honest, I probably did pick up my camera as a way to be seen, liked, etc. The blessing has been that I simply have not been tremendously successful at it and because of that, I have had to dig deep into my own desperate need for attention. It wasn’t comfortable.
In the end, I was able to release a lot of the pieces of myself that were holding me back. I let go of expectations I had for myself and in that, I got re-inspired. It feels like a renaissance which is funny because that’s exactly the era that has inspired me. And actually, I finally feel free to do what I want without expecting any results, so I can have as much fun as I’d like. Isn’t that what we really want anyway?
If I were going to impart some wisdom to you, it would be to allow yourself to revel in the depths of your fears. Bring them to the surface and watch as life helps you to move through them. Ask yourself the hard questions and be honest in your answers. Explore your relationship with your craft and be with the parts that make you feel icky. It’s through processing that piece of yourself that you will truly connect with your inner soul.
